West Coast Rats Marathon

by The West Coast Rats Poetry Society having just too much fun! Is this legal?

Don't have time to read the entire episode synopsis guide? The West Coast Rats have assembled a handy series-at-a-glance list.

Coquitlam, B.C.
28 August 1999

We have watched from the pilot to the Bath Bomb Raid, fast-forwarded through the Garage Sale raid (The Wildest Raid of All).

We have been paying particularly close attention to the use of maps this time around. All of them have big huge monstrous X's on them. Even the one Selim (?) draws for Dietrich in the Bath Bomb Raid, though her map had the river running between the village and the mountains. The Rat Patrol were dead smack in the middle of the mountains as far as we could see.

And the stretchers had little pointy sticks on either end. Looked like they could stack the patients on top of one another. This is in The Life against Death Raid or Alternative Uses for Ether Raid.

And in the Can You Read Coptic? raid, Moffitt checking things out on the map on the wall, goes off the map into Algiers or even Morocco. There be Sandworms there, Moffitt.

We have noticed that there was no shortage of hair spray in the desert. All the women could stand in a wind tunnel and not a hair out of place. No need for helmets for them. Back combing was also very popular. Must have all gone to the same hairdresser. Fatima's Hair and Nail Salon. All have nice French manicures also.

The Longest Chain of All Raid - Troy was Houdini - how did he remove the chain/manacle when he finally caught up with Hitch? Also, at the beginning of the raid, Troy tells Hitch that he would be in the truck behind him. What truck?

The Piggyback Raid - If the guys were suppposed to sneak in and out without leaving a trace, why then did they kill three Germans, two shot with arrows and one drowned in the water barrel? Are these the prefered assassination methods of the Arab community? And lose that polka music. Also the German Captain, Colonel whatever, is the guy who plays the Doctor in the Club Med raid (Deadly Double).

Gribs and his performing Monkeys Raid: Sand, Sand everywhere and in everything. Ouch!

And finally the Bath Bomb Raid: Why didn't they just chuck those bombs at the Germans and be done with it? If they were able to sneak in and plant the bombs, why did Troy have to walk in and fake out Dietrich? And why did Dietrich allow himself to be faked out? And why... OH, never mind.

[Editor's note: as the resident apologist, I propose that they were sneaking in and planting the bombs whilst Troy was distracting Dietrich with the fake-out]


The marathon continues. It is 0056 hours and all is very well. We have now watched all the episodes except Lighthouse - could not subject ourselves to that - and watched only the last part of The Last Harbor Raid.

Moment of Truce - we like this one. Yummy, Breakfast any one?

Deadly Double - or as we prefer to call it The Club Med Raid. Poor Tully, having to do jumping jacks in his helmet. Rhonda and Jan will talk code to Tully any time, any where, and as long as he wants. And Troy threatened to shoot anything that moved. And the pushmepullyou jeep.

Gun Runner - aka Ned the Penguin Raid. Yes, we watched this. Moffitt's drink, a Kiblis: equal parts rum, lime and whiskey - yuck!!!! And where in the world does Ned find the Canadian Back Bacon and English Muffins for his Eggs Benedict. (And a rather appropriate dish for a 'traitor.') Faysi or Mumsy of course goes to Fatima's Hair and Nail Salon and buys her clothes at Sira's Clothes Tent Emporium.

Dare Devil Rescue: This road is either two hundred or two thousand years old depending on which end you find first. It took a long time to build. How did Tully know the guy 'got shot right where it hurts'? And why no stains on the robe that Moffitt borrowed after he dug the guy up. All that hard work that Tully and Hitch went to burying the Arab with those tiny shovels. And why doesn't Moffitt's Dad put on the German uniform? Then they could have just walked out of there instead of Moffitt showing off his frisbee skills.

Last Part of The Last Harbour Raid - 'Old me, 'Itch. Enough said.

The One That Got Away Raid - How many unconscious soldiers fit in to a German guard house? And why didn't Dietrich send the Germans to the guard house after Troy called Moffitt? And how did Troy knew how to call Moffitt? Was Moffitt on the speed dial list? Or was it 1-800-Call-Moffitt (try this and let us know if it works)

Two for One Raid - The Smoking Kid Raid - This is the one that proves that Troy can lie. Refering back to Dare Devil Rescue. This kid was supposedly examined by Moffitt to check the extent of his injuries. Moffitt missed the kid's blue eyes, blond hair, and iron cross. A thousand lashes with a wet noodle for you, Moffitt!

The Last Chance Raid - The Poem Writing Episode: Missed most of it. But did watch the What am I going to do with you scene. And Tully had no shirt on, sigh, sigh!!!

The B-Negative Raid - The Poem Writing Episode Part 2. Have no idea what happened here. Rabbit face got away! Ah, What's up Doc?

The Exhibit A Raid - watched the chess scene, Jan's personal fave, and then the staff car being stolen. And Tully moves so nicely, so smoothly, so sexy, so... Cindy went to sleep.

The Holy War Raid - Nice horses, nice halo. And how come Hitch sweats and Tully doesn't?

The Two against Time - answers the question - does he wear boxers or briefs?

The Wild Goose Raid - the One-Adam Twelve episode - see the man about a dead Arab. Six-thirteen in progress. Approach with caution. See the man about a bomb in the office - five-seventeen. Allies are smarter than Germans because they can think for themselves.

Bring 'em Back Alive Raid - The Glow in the Dark raid. It would take 21 hours and twenty-one minutes for the radium to kill Troy, so there! Tully carries a big stick. And Hogan's Heroes left their tunnel, fortunately.

Later the same day

We have been at this now for 24 hours. And we are still laughing. And we have made the following observations:

Double or Nothing: With too many ciders, we knew how Moffitt felt, twirling and spinning and circling and spinning and twirling and... And the dead stiff body, they must have had fun trying to haul it out of the jeep. And would Troy ever wear that hat again!

Hourglass: Who taught Dietrich to drive? How come Hitch is driving Tully's jeep? And Troy and Hitch always end up with the good tires. Guess Tully is such a good driver, he doesn't need any tread.

Mask-A Raid aka The Mummy Walks: Blue is Moffitt's favourite colour. His pyjamas are always blue. Troy has great healing powers. Cindy thinks he is magic.

Fire and Brimstone: Oh, those arms... even Troy liked them. He kept on touching them!! Those wonderful powerful arms. Sigh, sigh! And the Germans who must have attended Camp Minnehaha with Hitch. Where else would they have learned to shoot with a bow and arrow?

Delilah: One woman who only went to Fatima's Hair and Nail Salon to get her nails done. And she went to Ahab's Army Surplus Tent for her clothes. And if that German loved her so much, why did he take her out of the building with foot thick walls and stick her right in the line of fire? More to come from Cindy... watch out for the Black Widow Raid.

Truce at Aburah: The blue-eyed blonde-haired girl... now who does that remind you of? Why is Hitch so concerned? He has been here before. The little girl wears the red scarf just to be like her daddy. Of course, Hitch left 'cause the woman is a screamer. Why do you think all the walls are knocked down? And she is all alone. Even the other Arabs left. Could not stand the noise especially when Hitch was there.

David and Goliath: Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh.

The West Coast Rats,
Signing off until next time in October,
this time from Cumberland

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